For many people a lack of
courage is the single barrier between where they are now and where
they want to be. What do you think of when you hear the word
courage? Extreme sports; risky business decisions; serious health
crisis; winter driving; speaking in public? These are probably
obvious and there’s a whole lot more you could likely add to this
list.
Now think about it - what’s the
scariest thing you’ve been asked to do in the past week? Eat an
apple a day? Write down what you “catch” yourself doing right? Be
truthful about what you want? Spend time doing the thing you love
most? Accept the belief that you matter and are meant to be here?
These may not sound that scary
to you but over the past several months these requests from my own
coach have both visibly and inwardly terrified me. In every instance
… even the apple … I have had to face something that I have been
resisting for a very long time. Add to this my compelling belief
that I “should know better”, “should be able to handle this” and
“should be setting an example.” In spite of all my coach training
and all my years of personal growth work, I have, until now been
fully committed to keeping myself from the life I say I want and
that I know is available to me. No matter how accomplished I am
there is still a tape playing in my head that says I’m not good
enough and unworthy of real joy and success.
As my clients, colleagues,
friends and casual observers, you may have missed this aspect of me.
In fact, some of you might be thinking this just doesn’t fit with
the BIG personality that shows up at workshops or talking tough on a
call. The reality is that when I coach and support others I feel
free to offer them what I haven’t been able to give myself. Why not?
It’s simple. I have lacked the courage to do what I know is right
for me and give myself what I deserve.
Today, as I hung up from a call
with my coach, feeling somewhat resentful and a bit angry I realized
the feelings had been building for several weeks. I’d even secretly
been hoping she would give up and end our coaching relationship
because I just wasn’t “getting it.” Today my mind was telling me
“she doesn’t really understand my situation”, “she talks like she
knows so much more about me than I do” and “she’s not being
compassionate”. Frustrated, and knowing I was going to have to
complete the daily exercises or face more accountability issues, I
decided to try something different. I began coaching myself and
asking why her probing questions and challenging of my statements
were so hard to accept. Letting go of the judgements I allowed
myself to get curious about what was touching off such strong
emotion. After all, I really like her and admire her work. I feel a
kinship as we share personal experiences and compare life and career
notes. I knew the problem had to be with the sensitivity of what she
was trying so hard to show me.
It didn’t take that long to
realize that she was doing with me exactly what I did over and over
again with my clients - encouraged, nudged, pushed, cajoled,
insisted, persuaded, urged and demanded that they see themselves as
incredible whole beings without the limitation of their stories. I
felt a bit queasy. My years of coaching flashed before me and I
recognized the way some of my clients had reacted to my clearly
showing them how stuck they were. For me, it was now painfully
obvious that my fear of having to give up my story and be all that I
have ever imagined for myself was making me angry and defensive. I
was desperate for a really good justification and my coach wasn’t
buying it. For weeks I’d pulled out all kinds of excuses and even
complained that the multitude of physical symptoms I’d manifested
just had to be the reason I couldn’t go on. Honestly, I was running
out of dramatic responses. Sitting quietly with my thoughts I was
overcome with the sincerest of respect and appreciation for how
brave my own clients were to stop, listen and just consider that
what I was saying might be the truth.
To say this shifted my world is
an understatement. I decided to write this article for several
reasons. First, I am a writer and it is always a cathartic
experience for me to put on paper what I’m feeling. I needed to be
able to read it more than once to reinforce what I was feeling. And
I wanted something to give my coach to acknowledge her role in my
latest adventure.
Next I wanted to honour my
clients who I have always believed have shown enormous courage and
inspire me to be more fearless in my own life. It is their
willingness to keep moving forward that feeds our coaching
relationship and us as individuals. Those who have long since moved
on are still sources of energy for me as I recount the times when
they surrendered to their own brilliance and we celebrated together
at the threshold of their success. I can only guess how many other
people have been affected by the way these people have embraced
their lives.
Another reason for writing is to
set the record straight. I’m human. I’m wildly successful at many
things, profoundly knowledgeable in some areas and a complete
failure at lots of things. I’ve learned so much and cherish the
wisdom that has come from study and age. In fact, I believe I’m at a
heightened stage of awakening right now. And I’m not there yet. In
fact, I won’t likely be there until my last breath when I intend to
declare “I did my best.” Until then, and just like everyone else on
the planet I’m still learning.
Finally, I wanted to speak
directly to those people who are desperate for change, longing to
take risks, wishing things could be different … and are too afraid
of what it might require of them.
The past few months I’ve come
face to face with over one hundred individuals in my workshops. I’ve
watched their enthusiasm and optimism build as they see what is
possible for themselves. Their eyes light up, their hearts race a
bit, they shout out their determination, they speak publicly about
their new ways of being … and they laugh and talk all the way out
the door. These people leave with commitments to new behaviours and
attitudes and self-generated promises to contact me. I believe in
that moment that they really do want to make changes and feel I can
help them do it. Then they get away from the momentum and something
happens. Suddenly … they are scared. They know from the powerful
words I use that working with me will ask more of them than they
might be prepared to give – even if it brings them all that they say
they want. They realize that their life will change and change is
scary. I know … it has kept me at a standstill in some areas of my
life for many, many years. At least until my brave coach called my
bluff.
To all those people who got a
glimpse of what they might have or be, and all those who are just
getting an insight right now, please hear me when I say … I
understand. I am just like you … afraid to let go and afraid to stay
the same. One thing I know for absolute certain is that without a
coach I would probably find a very good reason not to do the things
that will bring me joy and a sense of accomplishment. Without my
coach I doubt I’d have the courage to face the big fat lie that is
my “story”. And the truth is … all I really need is courage.
What I know about fear is that
most people are frightened as they come up against the hard thing
they need to do in their lives. Once it’s done, it’s not so scary
any more. The difference is that sometimes people (me included) use
that fear to back away from what they want. Others (me included)
find the courage to break through and experience life on the other
side. Having someone believe in me when I am the most afraid has
been an enormous gift. I’m learning to do that for myself and with
each success I achieve, I am reminded of the people who have shared
this journey. Some were long term clients, some short term and some
just a few minutes of real conversation that invited them to be
courageous with either thoughts or actions.
In closing I want to acknowledge
some of the bravery I’ve witnessed since becoming a coach. All my
clients are not represented here because it would take too long.
This is a snapshot of the ones that are standing out for me today.
May they inspire you as they have me.
My courage awards:
To my client who said I can’t
visualize my future because I don’t want to be disappointed … and
then went right out and created a vision to change the world.
To my client who fiercely
resisted giving up alcohol in business settings … and then
demonstrated how easy and satisfying it was to do just that.
To my client who justified
blaming their spouse for their divorce … and then took full
ownership for how they contributed to the ending of their marriage.
To my client who refused to be
involved in a child’s self-destructive life … and then sent them a
heartfelt letter revealing the many reasons why they were so loved
and admired.
To my client who imagined
fulfilling artistic dreams … and then bravely followed through with
a public exhibition and commissioned work.
To my client who felt trapped by
a career choice … and then discovered changing employers brought
relief and allowed them to fulfill their passion for service.
To my client who allowed their
partner to diminish their self-worth … and then showed how capable
they were of building their own self-esteem and modelling joy for
their children.
Now, it’s my turn. Even as the
ink is fresh on these pages I am facing new opportunities to be
brave. In a world so infused with fear, there has never been a
better time for each of us to find courage in the simple things …
and the big things in our lives. If I do nothing else today, may I
find the courage to do what I know is right for me. What about you?
How might your
life be different if you had the courage to change?
