A Taste of My Own Medicine

     The voice on the phone is sad and confused. "I need some time alone to just be." "I want to relax with myself and to get away from all this stuff for a while." I can hear all the tiredness and even feel how the energy has been drained away from this woman. I've heard it many, many times from women in all walks of life. I've heard it from men too who find the demands of their careers and the business world in general to be too taxing to cope with. Yes, I've heard these words before. I recognize the need and I know the answer. Usually.

     This time it's different. This time the voice on the phone is mine. Unmistakably, mine with all the fluctuations of emotion that I can muster in order to convey just how worn out I feel. How did this happen? I am the one who supports and guides other people when they feel overwhelmed with life. So often I have listened with compassion as someone pours out their heart and opens the floodgates of emotion. And now, my own words tumble over each other as I try and express what my heart is longing to say.

     My friend on the other end of the phone sighs heavily and begins replaying the words I have directed her way on more than one occasion. "Why don't you do something just for yourself? Why don't you meditate, or go for a walk, or journal or …" Her gentle nudging has such a familiar ring. It's always easy for me to see what other people need to do in order to nurture their spirit and re-energize themselves. In fact, it's painfully obvious what my friends "could" be doing to make their lives more balanced and contented. Excuses abound when they hear me recommending an overnight trip to refresh their perspective or even just an afternoon off to rekindle their flame. I know that even a thirty minute time out can make all the difference in how someone sees the world. But, now, I'm the one with a list of reasons why I can't give myself time to revitalize my enthusiasm and boundless stamina.

     Sitting in the seat of self pity it's odd that I don't see the healthy choices that will inevitably boost my energy. Being so caught up in the weariness, I choose to turn to someone else for the solution. This exercise teaches me a lot and I am not one to ignore the messages. While I like to think I am a positive person with a deep sense of gratitude, I am acutely aware that this wasn't the case for many years. Sometimes those nagging old behaviours and attitudes pop into my head and I'm left reeling from a sense of helplessness to control them. So it would seem, I am human and sometimes human's experience the blues. Highs and lows are the rhythm of life and having a low once in a while is a perfect contrast to the joy of the highs. We celebrate sunshine even more when we have had a day of rain.

     Another good lesson is that we are not alone on this journey called life. There may be times when being alone is necessary and highly beneficial, but sometimes we just need someone to listen to us. Someone who may perhaps introduce a few ideas that will lure us out of our melancholy and into actively enjoying life again. We don't have to suffer in silence. We are better at giving if we also know how to receive. It makes sense to let others give me their shoulder for a while because it makes me a more effective ally for others when they look to me for comfort.

     What I notice about my friend's suggestions is that there are lots of options. I don't have to sit and stare out the window feeling hopeless and helpless. She gives me a few hints and I see that they all involve some kind of action. Get up and move, refocus. Is it really that easy? Will I be denying my feelings if I ignore them and place my attention on something else? Maybe if I go for a walk I may even get distracted and forget all about my anxiety. Would that be wise?

     Somewhere along the line I learned it was worthwhile to let myself feel whatever I'm feeling. That is important and I won't stop doing that. But maybe I could also ask myself what value there is in losing minutes, hours or even days feeling dismal. What if this is my last day and I spent it in depression instead of elation?

     I hang up the phone and let my friend's soothing voice dance around in my head. Stepping outside I see that the water is breathtakingly blue and the sun surprisingly warm. If I were telling you what to do in this moment of uncertainty I'd say that what you need is a long walk along the rocky shoreline listening to the gulls and the waves. Not a bad idea. I have to secretly admit to myself that it's worked many times before and with surprisingly quick results. I've always found enormous pleasure from the feel of the ground beneath me and the vast expanse of natural beauty around me. So, perhaps a walk would be a good idea right now. A taste of my own medicine. I wish I'd thought of that.