If
you’ve ever been on an airplane you’ve seen a flight attendant
demonstrate the safety procedure. They always tell you to put your
oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else. Always. They never
say “Run around and make sure every other passenger is fitted with
oxygen before being selfish and putting on your own mask. Under no
circumstances should you be taking care of yourself until you are
absolutely certain that no one else needs assistance.” This may
sound funny or trite but honestly there are many people who do this
very thing in one way, shape or form all the time. It’s often so
well concealed, even from ourselves, that we have justifications and
really solid explanations that sound a lot like denial. And
sometimes we are just so regimented in the “doing” that we don’t
recognize the cost to ourselves.
Every
encounter we have with another human being has the potential to
empower or diminish us. Every time we are faced with a challenge we
have a choice to leap in or shrink away. Every time we experience a
shift of emotions an opportunity exists to self-sabotage or
celebrate. If we have laid the groundwork for self-care we have a
point of reference to work from.
Most
women are nurturers. Something internal kicks in when we see a need.
And we’re also very good at sensing a need before it even arises. We
are on alert for families, friends, neighbours and business. The
response may vary but essentially, a lot of women are just so darn
capable of getting things done, taking care of stuff, handling a lot
and meeting the emotional, psychological and physical needs of
others that they act reflexively.
There
are lots of advantages to nurturing and serving others. We get
innate satisfaction from being able to help, to solve, to save.
Because situations can vary so much, we get to use a wide variety of
“muscles” in our response. We get to teach, comfort and build the
worth of others. We see projects start and finish. We pick up the
pieces and ice the cake. We support and cheer. We soothe. We rescue.
We redeem. We relieve. We release. For most of us, it is done as
naturally as opening our eyes in the morning.
The
downside of course is that many of us make this our unwritten
mission. It becomes such a way of being that we don’t even realize
we are doing it. That is until “something” happens. Even though the
feelings may have been building for a very long time they surface as
“all of a sudden” exhaustion, anger, sadness, resentment, anxiety,
frustration, and feeling drained and depleted. It is inevitable that
we reach a crisis point when we give more and more. We start
behaving badly towards ourselves and others. Our addictions kick in,
tempers flare or we cry for days on end. The well always needs to be
refilled. When we are empty ourselves we simply cannot give. And,
sadly we model for others (especially our children) a way of being
that is so unhealthy.
When
I talk to women about taking time for themselves there are some
typical responses. Some women get defensive; very defensive.
They straighten their backs and insist they are too busy, too
responsible, too needed right now. They don’t have the time, the
money, the energy, the resources, the support or the right shoes.
Some will state emphatically that they have a massage once a month
or sleep in every other Saturday. And they squeeze in coffee with a
friend at least every two weeks. When asked about deeper,
self-nurturing the subject changes very quickly and they run,
emotionally and psychologically, from the very idea that they might
desert those who demand (even subtly) their attention.
What
I know for sure is that a lot of these women have made up a story
that says “I can’t take time for myself”. And … it’s not true. The
truth is that they don’t know how to value themselves enough to do
what it takes to focus on their own inner wellbeing. While it may be
a fact that they have many time commitments and that other
circumstances must be considered, if it matters to them, they will
find a way to regenerate their spirit. I know what I’m talking
about. Many years ago I took a very relaxing two week vacation in
the hospital suffering from serious physical ailments brought on by
stress. Prior to this hiatus I worked every single day because I
thought I was too indispensable. I told myself that I couldn’t take
even a weekend off to care for myself and one day, “out of the
blue”, I collapsed. I got the time off but the recovery took much
longer than it would have if I had been taking care of myself
consistently. And, quite frankly, while my body got a good break, my
heart ached to understand why I had set myself up like this in the
first place.
Some
women have become so hardened around emotions in order to cope that
the very thought of falling into feelings is terrifying. They push
back and roll their eyes. They shake their heads and scowl. To them,
it seems too “touchy-feely” and a big waste of time to go off
somewhere and “get to know yourself”. I believe their resistance is
a tough shield they use to protect themselves from being hurt in a
world where they see danger everywhere. They understand pain and
they want none of it. They have made an assumption that being in
touch with their deepest feelings will be uncomfortable and they
want no part of it. The greatest tragedy is that in avoiding the sad
pieces (and there’s no guarantee there will or won’t be any) they
also miss out on experiencing their own magnificence. The
self-awareness and divine connection that comes with quiet
introspection is incredibly powerful. And it’s not all meditation
and chanting. It’s also laughing, being playful and mischievous.
It’s seeing all of who we are as human and spiritual beings.
Sometimes when I bring up self-care and retreating to women the more
typical reaction I get is that their eyes glaze over and their
shoulders slump. Their head tilts to the side and they let out a low
moan or soft sigh. Sometimes there are little tears sneaking out of
the corners of their eyes and their lips tremble. Their body
language is clear “I would love to take time to retreat and
replenish.” They can already imagine themselves free of phones,
email, people, distractions, chores, noise and general busyness. For
a few seconds they can breathe. It may be that they have had an
experience of self-care that rushes back into their consciousness or
that they have a vision of what it would be like to put all their
attention on themselves and maybe even let someone else take care of
them. In either case, somewhere deep inside the idea resonates on a
soul level.
No
matter where you are on the scale you can seize the opportunity to
take care of yourself right now. We live in an intense world where
escaping to inner solitude is a must. Indeed, you get to make the
rules around how much self-care and rejuvenation you need and want.
It’s up to you to design your life around what serves you best.
And
when you do, you just might remember who you
are.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ms. Daryl Wood is an Author, Certified Life Coach, Retreat Owner and
Transformational Life and Leadership Facilitator. Her passion for
personal empowerment has inspired men and women from all walks of
life to embrace their inner wisdom and live their lives fully. Using
humour and spontaneity, Daryl leads dynamic, interactive live
workshops that challenge people to live with integrity, take
responsibility for their lives and to stop making excuses. What
really gets her excited is when she leads Women’s Learning Retreats.
“To witness the insights, courage and determination of curious
women is a real privilege.” Check out “Get Over It – Get On With
It” April 16th – 19th and “Living & Leading By
Design” on May 1st/2nd.
She coaches by phone all over the world with clients crediting her
intuition, support and honesty as powerful tools to help them
achieve their goals. Daryl has published three books and her
foundational philosophy is reflected in her upcoming book So What
Now What. While Daryl lives contentedly on the shores of Lake Huron
in Tobermory, Ontario with her devoted partner Doug she has recently
taken on a huge quest to help her community creative a regenerative
culture to ensure the long term survival of this little village. She
hikes the surrounding lands of the Niagara Escarpment World
Biosphere Reserve and invites people to nurture their souls in the
solitude of her home, Healing Rock Retreat. Her website is
www.darylwood.com and her toll free number is 1-888-596-2385.
