Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | June 14, 2026

I Know Why People Do Desperate Things

A few months ago I joined two online sites for Widows and Widowers. I wanted to find people who were grieving the way I am or at least close enough that I felt I wasn’t doing this all wrong. At first, it felt good to read about the struggles that people were having weeks, months, years and even decades after losing a spouse/partner. It felt reassuring that my reactions were normal. Some of the stories were told in heartbreaking detail of daily struggles. I saw myself over and over again.

Then one day I realized that it wasn’t really helping me to be reminded of my pain and suffering. As I moved along my path I wasn’t sure what I wanted but it didn’t feel like this was a good fit anymore. I had only posted one comment that had only a few vague responses. I got it. The way I posted didn’t resonate with many people. I kept reading the raw anguish that came from people and how everyone said this was a safe place to express all your feelings. I wondered how ‘safe’ a place could be with over 2,000 members from across Ontario. I was reluctant to share more and left the group.

Tonight, I long for connection, for comfort, for Doug to be here with me now. It is this feeling of desperate loneliness and despair that I realize moves people to do desperate things like join a group and pour their heart out to thousands of strangers. After all, I’m posting on this blog which could be seen as the same thing. And right now, it feels like I am doing it out of desperation. Each of the wonderful people who pause their lives to listen and hold space for me are not available. It happens. And when it does, I tell myself that this is a sign that I’m supposed to figure it out and manage it for myself; this is my work in this lifetime to learn to be self-sufficient and self-soothing. And I hate this work. At least right now I hate it. I want a companion. I want someone committed to my wellbeing. I want someone to just listen to how hard this is for me right now. And more than anything, I want Doug. And no one can give me that and no one can even fully understand how this aching for him robs me of the joy I’ve experienced these past few weeks. Even last night watching a spectacular fireworks display with a young couple I love dearly (and who love me back) I was so enthralled I forgot for the moment how the longing cuts like a knife to my heart. Today I’m trying hard to stay in a space of gratitude the best light show I’ve seen in decades and for the gifts of friendship and time that have been given to me lately and over these past unbelievably long months.

I’m trying. I’m trying because the risk of doing something desperate, whatever that might look like, is always present in these dark, dark moments. And I know that if I wasn’t spending day after day sorting through years of accumulation in Doug’s garage I might not feel this way. If I wasn’t watching the cottagers coming back and setting up for the summer I might not miss what was our prime time of year. And if I wasn’t trying so hard to distract myself from my feelings I might find some relief in just letting it consume me until it runs out of steam.

So maybe writing this truth is my own form of desperation. And maybe it is therapeutic in some way. And maybe I’ll read it again in a month or a year and know that I survived another desperate moment.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | June 11, 2026

I Wonder If They Knew

I wonder if they knew
When I was sitting there all conversational
Sharing, laughing, remembering, being curious
That I was sitting there alone
In a world I didn’t understand
Doing my best to show up real … and I was real
I just wasn’t all the way real
The real that came so easily before
… And before is a million miles away
And barely in my body as I sit there
So grateful for companionship
And feeling more alone than I or anyone can comprehend
Because it doesn’t make sense
I look fine
But I’m not
And no one wants to hear this
Not even me.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | June 11, 2026

Writing For Myself

A few days ago I got an email notification that someone had ‘liked’ one of my blog posts. It wasn’t anyone I knew but I was curious what the post said. It was actually just a short Buddhism quote I had shared. I scanned the page and saw a link to an earlier post I had done in April 2024. I decided to read it and that changed my day.

I felt so much emotion – sadness, love, hope, empathy, compassion and even some joy. In that moment I knew that I had been led there to give myself the comfort I needed from my own words. I write what is on my heart and sometimes it points to things I’ve learned and taught others. Mostly it’s just what I’m feeling or thinking in the moment. Reading this post of two years ago brought back so many memories of that time when I was in aching despair over my loss of Doug. I still am and surprisingly to me, not as often. As I sort through his garage trying to rehome tools and make space I feel his presence so strongly. This is what is right for me at this time and finding peace in my heart and in my world is making a difference for me.

I’m glad that person liked my blog because it led me to words I appreciated so much. Thank you to a random stranger and everyone else who shows me my inner strength and wisdom. I am humbled.

P.S. If you are interested, here’s the post called “Let There Be Peace on Earth” that I found so helpful to me.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | June 2, 2026

This Changes Everything

When this came to me last Thursday it awakened something inside of me that has created a big shift. It’s nothing new. I’ve known this information for decades. And once again, a new layer of awareness and understanding has emerged. May you be moved.

Poem – Instructions before visiting earth.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | May 28, 2026

Doing Hard Things

I’ve done lots of hard things in my life and, right now, it feels like the hardest thing I had to do was hold Doug’s hand as he took his last breath. Today I sobbed through my whole 25km bike ride and kept replaying the experience over and over. I wondered if he really did stop breathing, if his heart really did stop beating, was he really ‘gone’. I sat with him for a couple of hours after he died and was taken away by the soft and kind men from the funeral home. And that was hard too. And I’ve been doing so many hard things since then.

Actually I did a lot of hard things during his illness so it’s been nine years of doing hard things. And today when I was trying to make something work and avoiding having to make a phone call and struggling with a tangled extension cord I just felt so defeated. I had this feeling that if I had done the hardest thing of my life – letting him go when I wasn’t ready – then why can’t life be a little easier now? Why can’t the hard things just ease up? Why can’t I catch a break? After all, I’ve proven I can do hard things so I don’t need to keep proving it over and over and over again. At least that’s how it felt this afternoon. I’ve had these thoughts before but when I am sitting here reflecting tonight there is something else that floats to the top of my mind. Something that makes me cry. Again.

You see what I know is that I have absolutely done a lot of hard things since Doug died. And right alongside that some pretty extraordinary people have picked me up, helped me, supported me, comforted me, acknowledged me, listened to me, held me and done some things that for me would have been very hard. And they have done things that were pretty easy but in my state of despair looked so hard. And they did some things that were hard for them too. And I have kept going and they have kept going. We have all found some way to keep going and doing the things that can sometimes look so hard.

And yes, when I do some hard things I feel relief and I know Doug would be so proud of me. Now I am tasked with the opportunity to be proud of myself if I decide to see these hard things as something worth doing or necessary to do. And most of the hard things I feel I have to do are things I would have done easily. So what happened? Why is this drama unfolding so often these days?

The answer is grief. My grief. And no one understands the particular characteristics of my grief but I know its breadth and width. I recognize the sound of its breathing in my ears, the heat of its intensity, the growling of its roar when it sneaks up on me. I feel the grip it has on me in spite of, or maybe because of, my willingness to let it play full out until it exhausts itself. Only then is there some deep sighs and the relief that comes from letting come and letting go.

Grief may have hijacked my confidence and independence but it hasn’t stolen my tenacity. The last time I saw my mother before she died suddenly in September 2009 I told her that I was proud of being tenacious because I learned that from her. So that will be my defense against the relentless drive of my grief that makes so many things feel hard until they are done.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | May 12, 2026

What Lasts Forever?

This morning I woke up early with a sliver of moon shining so brightly. By 5:30, the sky was opening up to a sunrise and the lake was so calm I began talking myself in and out of kayaking to greet the morning. Finally, I relented, knowing I would be glad that I did because calm mornings are a gift. There is no one else on my part of the bay so the solitude made it even more compelling.

I bundled up because it’s only -2 degrees and I paddled past the reefs to the wide water of Lake Huron. In the back of my mind I was wondering why I did this. When Doug was here, it was an easy decision. I loved kayaking to meet the sunrise. He would see me returning and plod out to the shoreline in his pajamas and rubber boots to help me land.

This morning I took some big breaths and floated in the lake when something unmistakable appeared. An otter. Way out in the deep water where I wasn’t used to seeing them. I adjusted my eyes and watched him swimming along diving in and out. Then he casually moved closer and held my gaze for a while. This happened several times. I couldn’t resist snapping a few photos and then a video. And then I just sat and watched him. I took time to be still in this moment and really be with the experience. Suddenly there was nothing to do – no more pictures to take, no paddling closer, no looking around to see what else was going on. Just being present with the otter.

Gradually he began to move further away and distance himself. I started to cry and said out loud “Please don’t leave me. Please stay.” In that moment it felt like Doug was leaving me again. My heart hurt and I sobbed. Otters were very special to Doug and I and when they appear now it always feels like Doug is signalling me that he is nearby. It makes me cry even now as I write these words. Otters have shown up at the most incredibly meaningful times these past two and a half years and sometimes I’m lucky enough to have someone else (like Doug’s daughter) witness them with me. It is so comforting.

So when this big boy left me alone I was overcome with the thoughts that nothing lasts forever. I looked at the calm lake, the beautiful moon, the sun rising and I knew that while they were there in that form in that moment, the moment wouldn’t last forever. The water would not be the same forever. Nor would the sun, the moon, and even the otter.

I started rolling over in my mind all the things that won’t last forever and quietly a new thought came. Love can last forever. Love is still here and still strong and beautiful even after two and half years of loss. Yesterday I had a nice visit with an older man whose wife died 23 years ago. He was sharing memories of Doug and then he quietly said that things can come up and you have those sad feelings all over again. He looked very pensive and we stood together for a few minutes, each remembering in our own way.

And so things around me may change, and the love may change but maybe it really is there forever. Maybe love is the enduring feeling that a sunset or rough lake or even an eclipse can’t take away. Maybe love is the only thing that really does last forever.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | May 5, 2026

Peace

Peace isn’t always quiet. Sometimes it’s a deep breath in the middle of chaos, a silent moment in your own mind that whispers, “You’ve survived worse. You’ll make it through this too.” Tiny Buddha

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | May 4, 2026

You Can’t Script These Things

Because I believe in Divine Synchronicity there could be no surprise (although it was jarring) that I received a deeply meaningful acknowledgement from a former retreat participant AND a reminder of a scathing rebuke from a family member on the same weekend!

While I sat in stunned awe for a few days over the beautiful recognition of the contribution I made in this young woman’s life fourteen years ago I decided to keep it ‘sacred’ to feel the intimacy of something that had also mattered to me. I replayed the video several times in both a little disbelief and a lot of needing to remember that I have made a difference.

It has been a struggle this spring as grief keeps jumping into my life in so many ways. I was a bit fragile so getting this recorded message was a gift to my hurting heart.

What I could not have foreseen was that in a matter of days I would be directed back to very hurtful remarks that diminished my sense of self very quickly. Suddenly, I plummeted to the depths of self-loathing that have been lurking throughout my 71 years. I am smart enough and schooled enough to know that there could be no coincidence even though, at the time, I didn’t even think of this. And when I did, it almost felt like the gods, the universe, whatever were ‘putting me in my place’. As in, don’t get too big for your britches and who do you think you are. Oh boy, these were old, old admonishments from my past. And they hurt. A lot.

Long ago I remember Wayne Dyer said that after a TV interview he received hundreds of letters. In particular, two were so contrasting he couldn’t resist. He said that he sent the one full of praise to the person who had sent the scathing one and vice versa. He wrote on each one ‘you might be right’. His message was clear – there is truth in everything, don’t get attached to anything and don’t believe everything that someone says about you.

It look a few hours and a good night’s sleep for me to shake loose from the shadow of the hurt. And it also opened me up yet again to the work of Tara Brach who I admire for her positions on Radical Acceptance among other things. To be able to accept in this moment the joy that I felt from the young woman’s kind, vulnerable and authentic reflection is a measure of my willingness to see the part of me that did what I did because I really cared. To also be able to accept the sadness that I felt about a situation that is still simmering for someone holding resentment is also a realization that I cannot control the narrative for others.

Holding both of these is important to me so that I can choose to live without attachment which is a basic Buddhist teaching and one well worth considering at this time in my life. I can be joyful and I will be and I am. I can let it heal the broken places in my heart. I can also be sad and disappointed when that’s what bubbles up. I don’t need to escape either feeling because for sure something will come along in my day that will shift me from one emotion, one feeling, one perspective to another. I’ll show up and welcome whatever comes along. Namaste.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | April 28, 2026

In Defense of Praise

Once in a century a man may be ruined or made insufferable by praise. But surely once in a minute something generous dies for want of it. John Masefield.

I love this quote and it has been pinned to my bulletin for years. Today it felt like something calling to me. The past week I have found myself in the position of being able to acknowledge others with kindness and compliments and encouragement. I felt grateful to be willing and able to give people some recognition for how they were showing up in the world. At my movement class a woman shared how she praised the government employees at the passport office for their gentleness in explaining the process. She was beaming. I was beaming. We all nodded approval of her gestures of appreciation for someone’s helpfulness. And surely the ripple effect will continue.

Thinking that ‘something generous dies for want of it’ moves my heart. Many years ago Doug and I were so impressed with the extra great service we received from a student working at a gardening centre. She was enthusiastic and patient with us and it mattered. So I sat down and wrote an email to her boss saying how much she had made an impact on us that day. When we saw her later she told us how much it meant to her because her boss used it to celebrate good customer service. Then, fast-forward many months and she sent us an email! She was a new teacher and at the end of the term she had her students write notes of acknowledgement to each other. They were all thrilled with the results and she told us that she had done that because of how much our message had meant to her.

We didn’t gloat about the influence we had on her. Instead, we laughed and talked about all those little kids praising each other and being seen by their classmates. We imagined how proud they would have been showing their parents what they had received. It felt good to be part of something bigger than us.

And every day, whether we recognize it or not, we are part of something bigger than us.

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Posted by: Ms. Daryl Wood | April 13, 2026

How Might Your Life Be Different?

How might your life be different if you knew that today everything you are worried about would work out and work out well? How might your life be different if today you stopped your busyness long enough to breathe slowly and deeply into faith, whatever faith looks like for you. As the Course in Miracles says “waiting without anxiety”.

How might your life be different if you opened up space in your life today for ease and flow and letting go, if today you stopped ruminating or obsessing or searching or grasping. What if you slowed down to a crawl, even in the midst of whatever chaos or intensity is gripping you? What if you didn’t edit and audit your life and sat very still for even a few minutes or for as long as it takes to settle your heart and mind?

How might your life be different if you really paused? And paused with no agenda or intention other than to be able to notice how your body feels, how your heart is beating, how you are breathing and where your mind wanders to. Just breathe they keep saying, the wise ones who are not fretting and fussing about little annoyances or challenges or self doubt about their life.

The universe is giving us what we need if only we could and would pause long enough to notice. Who is showing up? What is trying to get your attention? The Law of Attraction is always at work whether we believe it or not. AND the divine love that encircles us is always sending us signals that we are safe, loved and supported, if only we could rest there in stillness without censor and hear the comforting encouragement that says we are enough.

How might your life be different if today you didn’t choose, you didn’t try, you didn’t intend? What if today you let go and quietly allowed the all loving energy of the divine world to give you all you need.

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